Without Light
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: AUish. A bit of a spin on Haruka and Michiru's life together, ending in sadness. Haruka's POV.


**Author's Notes**: This story was inspired when I heard my parents talking about the recent abolition of gay marriages performed in California.

I usually don't use Japanese honorifics (like -chan, -sempai, -kun, etc) in my fics, but I've decided that I will for this one. Unless I decide to revise it later and take them out. For some reason, though, since the story is completely in Haruka's point of view, it seems to flow better if the conversation is peppered lightly with "-sempai"s and "-chan"s.

**WARNING**: This story ends in tragedy, and it may be a controvesial story to some. Please don't judge it by the content, but judge it instead on the way I've presented it to you. If you don't want to read a dramatic (maybe not so much) sad story, please turn back.

Note: I can't find a good way to separate the scenes, because nothing will work right with 's new formatting, so the scene changes will be shown by this: &&&&

"_Without Light_"

I never expected my life to be so confused. I am Ten'oh Haruka, 18 years old, and I can't find my true self. Beneath this tough tomboy exterior, I am still a confused little girl, and my parents attitudes do not help me.

I think... that is to say... I think I may be what is termed "gay." Keep in mind that I am only 18, and I'm not sure even of my own feelings. But I've met this girl at my private school, Kaioh Michiru, and she is so beautiful, so graceful, that I think I'm in love with her.

Isn't it awful to be in love with another woman? That's what I've always heard, anyway -- it's what my parents always say. They're staunch church goers, and they make it a point to visit the nearby Shinto shrine at least once a month. They've tried to drag me along to these religious encounters, but I always duck out at the last moment.

I've had a few brief conversations with Michiru -- not enough to say we've actually started a friendship -- but I'm trying to get closer to her. She's so much like a goddess that I think if I don't become closer to her, I'll go insane. Does she have this sort of power over everyone else she comes in contact with? I doubt she even thinks of me...

I met Michiru at school, when I was at the track. An exchange student introduced us, and I tried to adopt an uncaring attitude even though I was instantly struck by her beauty.

A woman like that, I'm sure she's got so many men chasing after her, and she'd never appreciate a woman showing a romantic interest in her. I read up on the Kaioh family after I met Michiru, and they're pretty well off; they've got ten different trust funds in different banks all totaling over two million yen just for Michiru! My family isn't poor, but we're barely on the borderline of middle-class. I'm no match for the influential circles Michiru has to be used to.

I remember that, through my so-far short life, I've associated people with smells. The long-haired Filipino who used to come by to play poker and drink beer with my father always smelled like marijuana. Rumor had it that he was a pedophile, but just because his wife was ten years younger than him didn't mean anything. His wife is nice; we get along good even if she is really shy. Maybe I could talk to her...

I associate the smell of iced tea and roses with my mother. She always likes to have a cool glass of tea when she goes anywhere, and father used to bring her roses when he got off from work.

With Michiru, the smell is like the faint ocean breeze and sunlight. I can't begin to describe how sunlight could have a scent, but to me, it's Michiru. I don't think anyone understands how I do this, but my nose is so attuned with scents that come to me on the breeze, I can identify the different scents of a flower garden.

Night is falling, and I can hear my parents arguing in the next room. Getting to my feet from the cross-legged position on the floor that I favor, I adjust my shirt and shuffle barefoot into the living room. They're commenting on the recent gay marriage news coverage from America. Both of my parents hate the idea of two people of the same sex falling in love, and they don't hesitate to voice their opinion.

Why can't I just be normal? That's what I wonder sometimes. If I didn't like girls... Would they accept me more easily? I can't tell them, though, because it scares me too. Before meeting Michiru, I never would have considered such a thing. Does it make me sick? Wrong? I don't know, but I do know how I feel about Michiru.

Getting a drink of water from the kitchen, I prepare myself for bed and the inevitable day of school following. Maybe, by chance, I can run into Michiru and manage to say a complete sentence without snapping at her. Somehow, I'm aloof and ignorant when it comes to her when I just want to compare her beauty to the stars above, cliche as it sounds.

&&&&

The noises in the school hallway all blend together as I head toward my last class of the day. The squeak of tennis shoes, the self-important conversations, the high-pitched laughter; it all grates on my nerves as I try to ignore it and just finish out the day so I can release some tension on the track behind the school.

Feeling my tennis shoes slapping against the hard-packed dirt, breathing heavily with the exertion, feeling my limbs pull and my muscles work in motion to move myself forward always leaves me with a joyous sensation. Just getting away from everything, in whatever way possible, brings me a bit of joy among my crazy day.

"Haruka-sempai!"

The call from behind me is familiar, and I turn with a cool look on my face, slinging my school bag onto my shoulder as I face Etsuko. She considers herself one of the leading authorities on the school's gossip, and we don't associate often. When she bothers me, though, it must be important because Etsuko is afraid of my untouchable attitude.

"What is it, Etsuko-chan?" My voice is cold, my eyes even cooler as I let her know without words that she is bothering me from my daily routine.

"I-I'd just like to let you know," she stutters, "that Kaioh-sempai has been asking around about you. If the two of you are going to be friends, it's only right that there are no secrets between you. Like, say, family finances?"

The last is said with a bit of a smirk, as if Etsuko considers herself better than me. Just because my family's bank account doesn't steadily remain at four or five figures? "Etsuko-chan," I mutter at her, "you are misinformed if you think that Kaioh-san and I are anything but casual acquaintances. I haven't even talked to the girl for more than two times, and then only because of another's presence."

Etsuko is a year behind myself and Michiru, but she likes to consider herself my equal. Daughter of a government official, Etsuko tries to act proper and self-important all the time, but the truth is that her family used to live in one of the cheapest neighborhoods of Tokyo. She's no better than I am, but she tries to climb the ranks of school hierarchy.

Turning, I walk away from her, continuing on my way to my next class. Unwillingly, I mull over the information she's given me. Is Kaioh Michiru truly asking about me? If so, why? We've barely talked, and if she knows of my interest in her, she'll probably only be frightened away.

I've made it a point to keep myself cut off from the people around me, so realizing that my 'orientation' isn't what is socially acceptable by most people won't be spread around by anyone. Least of all Etsuko, who only knows what I've chosen to share with her, which is little if at all.

&&&&

Class passes by in a blur, and I find myself at the track, warming up for a lengthy run. This is when I feel most at peace, when I'm running -- or driving. After I got my license, I found that I had an affinity with cars, usually motorcycles. The wind in my face, the feeling of freedom... I just love to stay moving.

After my running is over, during which I've managed to avoid my thoughts, I flop down on a bench, chugging down some water from a sports bottle, absentmindedly wiping at beads of sweat on my forehead.

"Ten'oh-san."

It's a tentative, highly cultured voice that breaks into my reverie, and as I raise my eyes to scold the interrupter vocally, I find the words stuck in my throat as I see who has invaded my privacy.

"Kaioh-san!" I exclaim, jumping up in surprise.

There's a serene smile on her face and she shakes her head, motioning for me to sit back down. "Don't let me disturb your rest, Ten'oh-san. I just wanted to speak to you for a few moments, if it's all right."

She's beautiful, right down to that fine voice of hers. She's wearing a loose-fitting turquoise colored blouse made of some filmy material that doesn't show too much flesh, and a form-fitting pair of blue jeans that sculpt her body like a lover's hand. Her hair is pulled back with a turquoise kerchief, and there is a sketchpad gripped in her hands.

"Of course," I reply belatedly, finally realizing that she still awaits an answer.

As she arranges herself on the bench next to me, I realize that I don't know what to say to this woman. She's so refined, so cultured, that I must appear a country bumpkin next to her. "Ten'oh-san, there's something I've been wanting to ask you since I first saw you," she said slowly.

"Yes?"

Only by great effort do I not call her angel or some other endearment as I gaze into those open, expressive eyes. "I draw, I'm sure you know, and lately I've been having some trouble finding a model for my latest series of sketches. But you... You've got just the look for what I need." Here, she pauses, but I barely notice because I'm still looking into those beautiful eyes. "Do you think you could model for me?"

"Model?" I croak, forcing it past dry lips. Hours in the company of this goddess, with her staring at me intently? Sounds heavenly.

"Please, if it's not too much of an imposition. My muse is so fickle, and I've had no inspiration lately until I saw you."

If it was anyone else, I would have refused straight off. But for Michiru, this angel of temptation, I manage a shaky yes to which she cries out in happiness. If I was expecting the "All right!" of such magnitude as to be akin to a young schoolgirl's joy at being accepted by a guy she liked, I wouldn't have stared at her quite so long. At her flush, I smile slowly and reassure her.

"I'm sure it's been a long time finding the right model," I say swiftly to cover up any embarrassment my goddess is feeling. "I'd be happy to do it for you." Quietly, I add: "Only if it's for you."

As we work out the place and time to meet, she warns me that it will require hours of being together, during which she will mostly be sketching. After the first half hour, she tells me, I'll be free to move around but still stay in the room in case she needs to check a detail. I agree readily, and the plans are set.

Despite the sacrifices it may take, I am honored to spend time in her presence.

&&&&

The address of the studio that Michiru directed me to is not what I expected. With her family's money, I expected it to be a professional's working area, but the building that faces me now is little more than a middle-class warehouse on the outskirts of Tokyo. What does Michiru hope to accomplish here?

Going to the doorway hesitantly after I make sure that my motorcycle is tightly locked up, I call out to her. Receiving a reply, I venture into the dimly lit building. "Don't artists need a lot of light to work with?" I ask as I catch sight of her.

The building is full of crates and boxes of differing sizes, many with drop cloths thrown over as if they are intended to be stored for long periods of time. Michiru is wear loose-fitting gray pants and a lightweight sweater of some filmy material that can't be too hot. She is regarding an easel before her with a mixed expression of disappointment and regret, and I feel saddened that I cannot take these feelings away from her.

"Artists work with what they are given, and for today's sketch, I'd prefer it to be dark for what I am trying to capture."

She sets aside the palette she held, smiling brightly at me as she studies my appearance. I didn't want to look too casual, but not as if I made too much of an effort. After a long deliberation in front of my closet, I decided on black pants with a white, button-up top that is paper thin, worn over a gray wifebeater.

"Is what I'm wearing okay?" I ask nervously after her perusal is just a bit too long. "I wasn't sure what one wears to a session like this."

"No, no, it's fine!" she quickly says, rummaging through a nearby case and coming up with a sketch pad and a box of pencils. At least, I assume they are pencils. A professional artists tools, most likely, and I am not used to these accoutrements.

Michiru directs me where to sit, and how to pose, and I do so with a fair bit of reluctance. There will be no talking while she sketches, she informs me, and although I will so miss her sweet voice, I will enjoy the opportunity to look upon her freely.

I am usually not a timid person, but I find myself hesitant to voice my feelings to her. What if she doesn't feel the same and rejects me? Or if she is too kind to reject me outright and does it only after trying to make me feel better? It would be too hard to handle, I think, and going against my parents teachings in such a defiant way would be a betrayal. I could counter their beliefs on gays if I had a partner to stand at my side, but so far I've only been seriously interested in one woman.

It isn't like I can base a life's decision on my feelings for Michiru, although I feel that they aren't the sort to fade as the thrill of the new and forbidden wears off. As she sketches, there is such an intense look on her face that I am loathe to speak and break the spell of her sanctuary. As running, being with the wind, is my freedom, it seems that drawing is hers.

Never before have I encountered such a woman as Michiru and it stills my words in my throat as I attempt to tell her of my forbidden feelings. "You may move," she finally says, sounding distracted. Her nimble fingers and hand move automatically as she draws my form. It feels as if I've been in that position mere moments, but as I glance at my watch I see that it's been forty five minutes since she arranged me into the proper pose.

Looking upon her beauty helped the time to pass effortlessly, although I know that I will be feeling a stiffness in my limbs come tomorrow. It's worth it, though. Walking over to look over her shoulder, I see an image of myself with a stern look on my chiseled face. It appears that I am carefully observing a scene of death before me, a silver bladed sword held loosely in my hand. There is a look promising death shining in my eyes, and behind it is an immense pain the likes of which I've never felt before.

Blood stains the outfit I wear, which is remarkably like what I wear today, but it is torn in certain places where blood has dried on its crimson path away from my various wounds. Michiru's drawing has captured many feelings that I myself could never have expected. She draws with such a passion, and this scene of death is one that I could imagine only in my nightmares.

Why has she made me so ready to kill; to take revenge for whatever it is that has left me feeling so lost? I would, of course, be prepared to take revenge if someone that I cared about deeply was taken away from me, but this makes little sense. Why would such a gentle woman draw such a horrifying scene?

"It is a scene of what was..." she says slowly, finishing up the picture with a few swift swipes of the pencil. "Do you not dream of awful events that you could never have experienced?"

I look at her, but my words stick in my throat as I see the bereft expression on her face. "Do you fear these scenes, Kaioh-sempai?"

"Fear them?" she says softly, a puzzled look on her face. "Not so much... They are part of an undeniable truth."

She is right, perhaps, but I have never before bothered to think of these truths. Death comes to everyone, and war is a part of the unpeaceful lives of humans. That which cannot be denied is only a part of life.

"But why choose me for this picture? I am not..." I pause, slowly losing the words I had found. "I am not terribly vengeful like this person," I finally say lamely, gesturing to the sketch.

Michiru shakes her head, smiling at me indulgently. "You had the right look," is all she'll say. It's a vague explanation, but there's not much else she can offer. Artists inspiration strikes them as it must, I suppose.

"If only I could now find the partner in music I need," she mutters as she puts away her drawing supplies.

I hear her words only barely, but I jump on them. "Music? Do you sing, Kaioh-sempai?" I wish only to know more about this beautiful woman.

"I play the violin," she informs me with a sheepish smile. "Silly, isn't it? I draw so beautifully, but lately I can only draw awful scenes of death, as if something important is missing in my life. I play the violin for the beautiful sounds it creates; the good feelings it gives to people. But I have a recital tomorrow at the music hall and my partner that my parents supplied has suddenly backed out because of nerves."

"Singing partner?" I wonder idly, not really paying attention to the conversation, only listening to her lilting voice.

"Piano. The piece we were performing is a duet, but without his skill on the piano, I'm afraid I'll have to forfeit the concert all together." She pauses, shrugging in embarrassment before me. "It's silly -- my being so passionate about music."

"If you'd allow it..." I say slowly before I realize what I am saying, "I play the piano. My parents forced lessons on me so I'd be more 'well-rounded,' and up until now they haven't served me at all. I'd be delighted to help you so that you can still perform."

Her delighted look strikes me to my heart, and I can only smile sheepishly, blushing as she nods happily. "If your skills are up to it, I'd be very pleased to perform with you tomorrow night, Ten'oh-sempai."

&&&&

Standing backstage, adjusting the cuffs of my suit jacket, I wonder again how I allowed myself to be talked into this. I had never wanted to take the piano lessons that my parents forced upon me, but after awhile making music became pleasurable if I wasn't being crowded by a teacher. I enjoy playing alone for my own pleasure, when I can't run or drive somewhere out of the city, but now I have set myself up to perform in front of a large crowd all because of one beautiful face.

For this performance, I've taken on the disguise of a man, and will be playing under the name of Hitori Yuji -- the man who was originally scheduled to perform at Michiru's side tonight. It is his loss if he is so frightened of performance that he cannot even say that he was on the same stage as this graceful and beautiful woman. I will never give up an opportunity to spend time with Kaioh Michiru.

She looks so elegant in the strapless aquamarine dress that she wears tonight. I told my parents that I would be performing with a girl from school, as a favor to her, and they were insistent on coming. I did not tell them that I would be dressed as a man, and not using my real name on the program sheet, It will only hurt them, I think. My mother, after hearing about this performance, wanted to take me out and buy a new dress, but I told her that the concert hall would be supplying the clothes. I don't know if it was a plausible excuse or not, but it seemed to set her off from the shopping trip.

"We're ready for you, Yuji-san."

Even the concert officials don't know yet that the real Yuji won't be performing tonight. His family did not want the bad publicity of him refusing to go on because of stage fright, I assume. Peeking past the heavy velvet curtains, I peer out at the crowd, but I cannot make out definite faces, only shadows.

I know that my parents are out there, probably puzzling over why their daughter's name isn't on the program sheet. "Who is this Hitori Yuji?" I can imagine my mother asking. "Isn't this the part our Haruka is supposed to be playing?"

Unfortunately, it will be a great surprise for them when I appear on stage under Yuji's name -- and wearing a man's tuxedo, of all things. There is our cue, and I smile reassuringly at Michiru as the curtain begins to raise. There is a blank expression on her face as she holds her violin beneath her chin, as if she cannot care how the concert goes.

After we begin playing, however, I see the passion contained within her expressive eyes. I have a hard time keeping up with her skill, but I am able to hold my own against such an impressive partner. There is a sadness with her playing, but I match her tune effortlessly, trained by years of playing sad tunes by myself in the lonely music room after everyone had deserted the instruments.

I had never pegged Kaioh Michiru as an artist and violinist, but it seems there are more mysteries to her than I had at first considered possible. I am sure that she has a boyfriend somewhere; perhaps he'll even show up after the concert and present her with a bouquet of flowers, dashing all of my hopes to dust.

But what hopes do I have, really? It's unlikely -- highly doubtable, in fact, that this beautiful creature is anything but normal. Although I considered myself straight until only recently, I've realized that there were many signs to the contrary but I was too blind to notice them until Michiru's beauty was presented before me in such an undeniable way.

As the music reaches its crescendo and soars down toward the ending, I can see a shimmer of tears in her eyes. This music moves her, or perhaps it is only the joy of being able to play her art in front of so many admiring people. How many of these people are here to see her exclusively, and not the rest of the show? I wonder. If it is not more than half of this crowded theater, then something is surely wrong with the people of Tokyo to be missing out on this beautiful woman's talent.

The piece is over, and roses have been thrown on-stage for Michiru's appraisal, but she does not accept any of them, only smiling blankly at the crowd. I cannot understand how she can ignore their praise, but it seems to come effortlessly to her.

"Do you not care if they like your performance?" I ask after we are backstage, and she looks at me with a little laugh.

"My music is not the heart of it," she said as she arranges a few of the roses into a vase of water. "I enjoy bringing the people pleasure, yes, but I do not play only for them. It is for myself; to remind myself that I am truly alive and worth something." She pauses, smiling a bit secretly at me. "Isn't there a soul deep reason that you play, Ten'oh-sempai?"

I do not expect a question such as this to be directed at me, so I am speechless for the few moments that it takes for my parents to find me. "Haruka!" my mother cries, scowling at me and cheapening the makeup lightly applied to her face. "What sort of foolish game is this? You were dressed as a man -- that wasn't even you they introduced!"

I do not want to face their censure right now, especially when I was so close to getting to know Michiru a bit better, but they are family and I must deal with them. "I was filling in for Yuji-kun," I say. "He could not perform tonight with Michiru-chan, and I didn't want to leave her in such a tight spot. And since I'd had piano lessons anyway..."

Deliberately, I let my voice trail off to remind them that I do not have to answer to them every time I do something that displeases them. My mother looks ready to burst, and my father doesn't look too pleased either. I suppose that mother has had too much trouble in her life and I'm only adding to it, and father's temper is always close to the boiling point.

"I'm sorry... I should have told you the truth before you came." I try to make my voice as regretting as possible, and I do truly feel sorry for bringing such stress to them on such a night. "It was my first public performance, and I failed to bring honor to my parents."

Since I was a child, I faced my parent's disappointment. I haven't tried to make them sad, but it seems that I do so anyway. I am certainly not the model child, and with my newest self-revelations, I will never bring them the honor they deserve. I suppose it could be said that I will forever taint the Ten'oh name, and I am duly ashamed.

"It was to help a schoolmate," my father finally says. "We will forgive it this time, but only because we understand the circumstances."

"It was nice to meet you, Kaioh-san," my mother says stiffly, not forgetting to be polite even in the face of all this disruption. "Could we possibly know your parents?"

Michiru smiles tightly, and I see a bit of strain around her eyes. Does she feel nervous around my parents? Or is it their questions, their attitude, that is frightening her? "My parents could not be here tonight." That is all she says as she says her good-byes and moves away to speak with the officials in charge of the night's concert.

"That girl is quite good at the violin," Mother says. "Why haven't we met her before?"

I clear my throat, shrugging nonchalantly. "Michiru-chan and I aren't really friends, just acquaintances. I was just helping her out tonight."

"Maybe you should be her friend; she seems to be quite a nice girl."

I can't explain to them that I feel more than a mere friendship for Michiru. If I were to invite her to my home, to become her friend, it would awkward for me. She is not the type of person I can be friends with; naturally I would feel it progressing further even if she didn't. Can my parents understand the sort of torture sentence they would be putting me under if I became Michiru's _friend_?

There is a small meeting of all of the participants of the concert after everyone is through, and I easily grow tired of being called 'Yuji-kun' or 'Hitori-san' each time someone comes in contact with me. I am Ten'oh Haruka! I want to shout, but I remain quiet because I know that it would embarrass Michiru if anyone knew that her partner had quit last minute.

I listen to the praise everyone has for Michiru's performance, and I glow inside. People enjoyed her music, and I am glad to hear it. The most comments seem to be about her young age and her talent. She is quite good, even if I must admit it myself. If only I could have a chance with a woman like her...

&&&&

The day's classes have been dragging, but it's finally lunchtime. On the rooftop of the schoolbuilding, I look down at the people running to and fro like little ants. Scurrying to the oak tree with their bento boxes, or running to catch up with a group of friends who are already headed to the day's designated lunch spot.

I can't imagine being part of that crush, and I much prefer my quiet lunches atop the roof. No one to bother me here; I am alone with my private thoughts as I eat and rest up for the rest of the day. School isn't meant to be a tiresome event. at least not physically, but somehow I'm always tired after it's through. Maybe because I spend the half of the lunch hour after I finish eating running on the track.

"Haruka-chan."

It is someone who says my name as if we are equals, and as I turn, I see the dazzling smile of Michiru. "Kaioh-san..." I say as I see who stands before me. I am not secure enough in our relationship yet to refer to her without the proper amount of respect.

A teasing smile comes over her face, and I find myself hard pressed not to smile back. "Haruka-chan, really!" she says with a hint of laughter. "Don't we know each other well enough now that such formality can be ignored?"

I did not expect her to open up after only a joint concert. Admittedly, I did help her, but it was voluntary. "We are classmates," I say slowly, choosing my words carefully. "Casual acquaintances; not quite friends. I can't find the will to stop being so formal when it is so certainly required."

"My name, please." Her voice is firm, and I must obey the simple command.

"Michiru-chan..." I say it slowly, testing the feel of her name and letting it roll off my tongue easily. It is beautiful...

"Now if we can only get you to drop the '-chan' and move to something a bit closer," she says with a teasing smile.

It can't be... Is Kaioh Michiru flirting with me? No, surely I'm misreading the signs. "Maybe we'll be friends," I allow.

I can't permit myself to read anything more into this than there already is. Michiru is a beautiful woman, and she's helped me to understand (although she does not know this) that I am 'gay'. There is also the matter that _she_ is the one I am in love with, but I can't bring up such a topic. Becoming her friend will be the safest course of action, for now.

"I'd love to be your friend." I feel a sense of relief as I hear these words. I will be the best friend she has ever had -- I'll try to be, at least. I don't want to lose this opportunity.

We talk for a little while, and I learn a few tidbits about her life. All too soon the bell rings, and we must advance to class. "I'd like to talk to you some more," I say impulsively as she is gathering her things to leave.

She looks at me, smiling tentatively, and nods. "We'll meet up again soon and talk some more. Maybe tomorrow at lunch."

&&&&

She isn't here. I know that we didn't make definite plans to meet today, but somehow I expected her to be here anyway. The roof is deserted except for me, like it usually is, and there is no hint of an aqua-haired head anywhere, not even below on the ground. Maybe something came up, and she couldn't meet me, but I have an odd feeling that something is wrong.

Gathering up the remains of my lunch, I hurry toward the school office. Ayami, at the office, owes me a favor anyway. Surely she'll know why Michiru isn't here today. 'Family problems' is the excuse I'm given, but somehow I doubt its authenticity. If family problems have arisen in Michiru's life, I'm sure she would prefer to be at school; to get away from the reminders.

Ayami can't give me any further information, but she is able to slip me Michiru's address on the sly. It is in a posh neighborhood, the likes of which my middle-class family would never be seen in. I was aware that Michiru's family was well off -- rich, to put it simply -- but why she associates with me is a mystery I can't solve.

I have to leave school early; I'm too worried about Michiru to stay any longer. We've formed only a tentative friendship and nothing is solid yet, but hopefully I can speak with her at her home. Pulling up outside the gates, I study it carefully. This is a beautiful home with pillars and a wrought-iron gate, greenery all around, but there is an undeniable sense of tension on the air.

Ringing the doorbell, I wait outside the gate until someone answers the intercom in shaky Japanese. "I am looking for Kaioh Michiru," I say quickly. "I am Ten'oh Haruka, a friend from school."

The same woman answers, tentatively picking out her Japanese words. "Kaioh-san is busy with her parents now. Later, you come back."

"I'd like to speak with Michiru-chan now," I repeat, instinctively remembering that she wished me to address her informally. "She wasn't at school, and I was worried..."

I let my words trail off as there is static on the line, and a scuffling noise. "Haruka-chan!" It is Michiru's relieved voice, and I allow a hint of a smile on my face. She sounds worried, though. "I'm so glad you came," she continues. "I am sorry that I missed our meeting today, but my parents needed to discuss something with me."

"I just wanted to make sure you were all right," I tell the impersonal face of the intercom. "Do you think I could come in, and we can talk?"

"No, not today." Her voice is shaky, and I wonder briefly what is wrong with her. "I'll see you at school tomorrow. I'm sorry you had to come out all this way for nothing, Haruka-chan, but I'm glad to hear your voice."

With that, the intercom goes dead and no one will answer as I depress the button repeatedly. Are they ignoring me, or just gone? Whatever the reason for all of this, I'm worried about Michiru. She's the first true friend I've had in a while, and if I was sure of her sexual orientation, it could be something more than just friends, even. But I will not pressure this woman.

Heading back into the center of town, I wonder at the implications of these 'family problems' she is having. What could have happened to upset her so? And what does the foreign woman on the intercom have to do with any of this? Hopefully the answers will be revealed tomorrow at school.

&&&&

I can't begin to explain what it is that woke me up in the middle of the night, but now I find myself on the rooftop of the school I attend at two in the morning. The stars are twinkling above and the half moon sends off a brilliant glow. There is a warm breeze blowing, and it is a peaceful night.

Hearing a noise behind me, I turn from my position leaning against the railing, instinctively stiffening into a defensive position. The lithe form melts out of the shadows, walking up smoothly to stop at my side.

"What you doing here so late?" the vision asks, smiling softly as if she knows a great secret that I do not.

"Michiru-chan..." I can think of nothing else to say, satisfied to merely stare at her. When I came here, seeking solitude away from the nighttime noises of my neighborhood, I did not expect to see anyone else.

"I'm sure you're wondering about what happened at my house earlier," she is saying now, hesitantly.

I look at her, nodding slowly. "I-I was a bit surprised at the events," I tell her. "The foreign woman... Your maid?"

Her eyes are shadowed, and there is a stressed look on her face. "No... The woman is from America; she answered the intercom because it is what they do there. There aren't any maids to take care of it; she expected my home to be a regular American apartment."

"Is she a family friend?"

I don't really care about the foreign woman; I just want to keep talking with Michiru. "There's something I should tell you," she says slowly, "and it may change our friendship or even end it."

I can tell that she is very serious, and I nod for her to continue. "What is it? Not as bad as all that, I'm sure."

"My parents found out -- they've suspected for a while -- that I'm a..." Here, she falters and seems too embarrassed to continue. "A lesbian," she finally says. "The woman from America is a counselor who deals with this sort of life-altering event. At least, that's what they call it. My parents want to send me to America. I've tainted the name of Kaioh, they say, especially with the person I'm in love with."

This seems almost too good to be true, but I can see that she is sincere. If her parents are threatening to send her to America, surely something can be done. It isn't right to send her to another continent just because her sexual orientation isn't 'normal.'

"Michiru-chan... That would never change our friendship. Besides, there's something you should know about me. I'm a lesbian too and, the truth is, I'm in love with you. Posing for your sketch, the concert, all of it was just to stay close to you."

It's a heartfelt confession, but I'm not sure how she'll take it. Her expression is blank as she stares at me, the moonlight shining on her pale skin. "I understand that you're in love with someone else," I say quickly, in case that's the reason she isn't responding. "But I'd never make you give a relationship up. I just wanted us to remain friends, and let you know that I don't care if you're gay or straight; you're still Michiru."

"No chan?" she says softly, the hint of a smile gracing her lips.

I laugh. "No, not if it really annoys you."

"Not annoys... I just wanted to be closer to you; like lovers. But I never expected that you'd actually be interested in me. Aren't there a million girls who'd die to be in your position?"

I shrug, chuckling. "Guys, maybe, but girls aren't too fond of what I've achieved."

There are a few moments of silence, which I worry about it. Was that her last attempt at making conversation with me? Will we drift apart now, thanks to my big mouth?

"My parents kicked me out because I said I was in love with you." It certainly wasn't what I was expecting her to say. I look at her in shock. "Yes," she says, "you heard me correctly. The woman from America, she wants to take away all of these unnatural feelings I've talked about or even thought about. That's their way of therapy."

This is a stunning turn of events, certainly not one that I expected. "Why are you here so late? Running away?"

She laughs, and I am reminded of the beautiful waves crashing against the beach in the sound. "No, just a bit of reminiscing. We had our first non-professional conversation on this rooftop."

Not too long ago, I didn't know what to think of myself for being so attracted to Michiru, and now I'm thrown for a loop to learn that she is attracted to me as well. I would have expected her to be far out of my league, despite being a girl, but it is nothing short of a miracle that she cares about me too.

My parents don't know how I feel, and I'm certain they can't expect anything. Michiru's parents blew up at the realization that their daughter was 'less than perfect.' With such odds against us, it's doubtful that anything will come of this mutual attraction. Although we must respect our parents wishes, they can't stop our feelings.

Defying ones parents is a foolish mistake, but it can be achieved if you are able to handle your life successfully without their aid. For Michiru, it would be relatively simple. She has skills as an artist and violinist, and even if these were two skills that don't always guarantee a steady job, Michiru will certainly have no trouble finding work or commissions for her paintings.

Her skills will keep her pleasantly well off, if not nearly rich, but for myself, there is little that I am good at. Somehow I doubt that being a racer at 18 will bring me much income, but at least Michiru can support herself. That will bring me a small measure of peace, knowing that she'll be taken care of. "Do you think they'll come after you if you run?"

She didn't expect the question, I can tell from her shocked look. "Run?" She frowns, mulling it over. "I've never considered running from my family. Why should I? They haven't really done anything wrong, it's just..."

"They're trying to send you away just because of your feelings! What sort of family is that, Michiru-chan?"

"Mine," she says softly, and although she tries to hide it, I can see the roiling emotions on her face. She is fearful of trying to make a life for herself, without the security of her parents, and I must admit that I would be frightened as well.

Creating a life out of nothing isn't easy, but she has the skills so fear shouldn't be the dominant emotion. I can't explain any of these things to her, and I don't have that security that she can feel. She smiles at me shakily, and I can only tell myself that it's better that she doesn't know the insecurities I'm feeling.

I don't possess the knowledge of a wise man, and I don't have the wisdom of an elder, but I do have common sense. And my sense is telling me that Michiru's spirit would die if she is forced to go to America. "You shouldn't have to go," I say, voicing what we're both thinking. "There's got to be a way to keep you here. Some sort of law that prevents them from shipping you off like a faulty piece of merchandise."

Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes, and it doesn't show any of the carefreeness I've come to expect from Michiru. "I'm not just a radio they can return because it doesn't work right," she agrees. "But they are my parents, and if they think this is best for me... Look, Haruka, I'm not a child anymore. Just because my views are a little different from theirs, they want to send me away. Maybe America will be better for me."

"You don't mean that." Surely her parents have managed to poison her mind and make her think that going to America is the right thing to do. "What about everything you have here? How can Kaioh Michiru start over in America? Your career won't be the same; the violinist that everybody's come to love here will be gone. Her music won't sound the same, and none of the Japanese fans will be able to hear her live anymore."

She looks away, toward the city lights, as if she can't bear to look me in the eye. "You're telling the truth, but what choice do I have?"

"Break away from your parents!" I repeat forcefully. "They can't just ship you off; you're old enough to make your own decisions." I pause, barely even thinking about my next words. "My family doesn't have much, but we can take you in for as long as you need. I can get a job after school to support you... us."

There is a mixed look of disbelief and hope on her face, and I can't disappoint that. "Haruka-chan... You'd do that for me, even after what I've admitted?"

"Of course." There is no other alternative. "You'd accept my offer, even after I said that I'm in love with you? I won't stand in your way with this other woman, it's just... I care for you deeply. If your lover can't help you our right now, then I will."

"My situation isn't as cut and dried as you assume." She gives a little shrug, followed by a secretive grin. "The person I'm in love with? Well, it's you. I know I should have said something before, but I was afraid."

"I guess we both were."

Neither one of us wants to leave the sanctuary we've found on this rooftop. Just being together is enough to keep the world at bay, at least for the night. But we both know that running away won't solve anything. We discuss various topics late into the night, finding out things about each other's lives. Things that lovers would know.

Tentatively trading small caresses and light kisses, we make our first foray into the world of being 'more than friends.' It isn't something that I've experienced before with another girl. My encounters with boys were always unsatisfying and, truth be told, I've only had one boyfriend who left me feeling cold. Kasihiro could never touch my heart the way Michiru has done. Is it because I was meant for her?

Too soon, dawn begins to show itself above the horizon and we must separate. Michiru's parents haven't solidified anything with the foreigner from America, so we still have a few days to explore our relationship and find out what we'll do. One thing I know for certain is that I can't allow them to take her away. She's the first person who's helped me to really feel alive. I can't lose that. Can't lose her.

&&&&

I don't usually go to my parents for help in anything, but I can't handle this alone. Michiru needs help, and I want to be the one to give it to her. Her parents aren't the understanding type, it seems. "You want us to shelter your friend so her parents don't send her to America."

"Yes." My mother apparently needs all of this repeated to her tonight. Patiently, I repeat everything I've already told them. They are slow at making a decision, but I understand that taking in another mouth to feed isn't something to rush into.

"Kaioh-san was very polite at the music recital," my father reminds his wife. I don't know what their final decision will be, but I can only hope that it will be in Michiru's favor. I can't even consider revealing to them how Michiru and I have begun to feel about each other. My parents have made their views on gays very clear, and it's obvious that I would receive no quarter from them. They might even consider the Kaioh's idea of punishment as too soft!

Michiru and I haven't discussed anything past the first tentative offers of sanctuary, but I'm worried about the future. Sanctuary will be given freely by myself and my parents, who hopefully won't have to find out why her parents are trying to send her away. If she seeks asylum with me, I can't turn her away. My racing doesn't gain much money -- if any -- but I'd gladly give it all up for rent and necessary bills if it would keep her with me.

Now that the doors of this new relationship have been opened up, I'm not willing to lose her. The foreigner will leave here empty-handed -- no matter what, I won't allow Michiru to be taken from me. I've never felt this way about someone before, and I can't just let this slip through my fingers. I know that I would live to regret it, and I couldn't bear the thought of being without Michiru for such a period of time. My parents deliberate slowly, and I have to leave for school before they've given me a definite answer.

&&&&

There she is, a beautiful goddess waiting at the railing. This rooftop has become our special meeting place without either one of us saying that it is so. We have an almost eerie connection that I can't explain, but I am certain that it has something to do with our mutual caring. Our love? Yes, in a way, but it's far too soon to contemplate being in love. I can't explain my reluctance to term this as love, but it's my own choice.

"Haruka! I didn't know you'd be here so soon." She is obviously surprised, but she smiles and brushes at her hair that the warm breeze blows into her face. "Did everything go okay with your parents?"

"They're still deciding." I can't tell Michiru that I'm afraid that my parents will refuse her sanctuary if I tell them the truth. But somehow... She knows.

That knowledge is confirmed as she says: "They don't know why my parents are sending me away."

"It's better if they don't. They've got awful views on gays; that's probably why I haven't been able to admit my feelings to myself."

There is a sympathetic look in her eyes that I can't bear, so I smile and shrug it off. "It'll be all right." Unfortunately, I'm not as confident of this as I make her think. If my parents don't agree to this idea, I'll have to find a way for both of us to live without family support. I can't bear to think of Michiru being alone while I'm still with my family, hiding my true feelings.

Okay, I admit it. I'm in love. So why can't I help the woman I love? It's not supposed to be so difficult just to reveal our feelings to others. Stepping toward her, I take her in my arms and nuzzle her neck. "It's gonna be okay, Michiru. There's only so much our parents can do, and we'll be able to make a life for ourselves."

"How can you be so sure?"

She doubts me. That's okay; I'd doubt me too, if the situation were reversed. "I just am. We're in love, right? So that means everything will be all right."

I wish I could really feel as confident as I'm trying to sound, but it's impossible. I don't know how any of this will turn out, and I'm frightened for Michiru. Love such as ours isn't accepted very easily in society, but from what I've heard it's even worse in America. Maybe Michiru's parents want to send her to America to bury the gay ideas from their daughter's head so that she would act 'normal' and find a guy after coming back to Japan.

It isn't a question of the depth of our love, it's more a question of the ethical issues her parents have with it. My parents would obviously have problems with it, as well, if they knew about it. But I can't tell them that Michiru is the person I'm in love with. They'd go crazy, probably grounding me for life, even if I am way too old for stuff like that.

Not that I expected it any differently, but my parents have refused to let Michiru stay with us. They contacted her parents and found out the reason she's being sent away. "Why would we harbor a gay woman?" my mother shrieks. "It's unnatural!"

"That isn't the way love works!" my father joins in.

It is a familiar ranting, and I tune it out as best I can. It isn't easy, considering they're talking about the girl that I'm in love with. I can be relieved that they aren't planning to kick me out, but it doesn't help with Michiru's situation.

"She's my friend," I say strongly. "I won't turn away from her just because you think I should."

Our friendship has progressed in a way that isn't often normal, beginning with a sketch, continuing with a concert and culminating with declarations of love. I can't just let my family, her family, separate us when this relationship is so miraculous.

"Maybe I should move out. It feels like it's time." I throw the words out into the void of conversation, and my parents swiftly take them to heart. Perhaps if I hadn't waited until the events with Michiru to broach this abject, they would be more reluctant to let me flee. Knowing that I am friends with a lesbian could be sending their decision to something less than friendly. Will they hate me now, because I won't let my friendship with Michiru go?

&&&&

"It's our right to love who we want!"

I can hear the stress in Michiru's voice, but I can't argue with her. Our parents are being totally unreasonable, but there's nothing we can do. Michiru can't return to the Kaioh home, and I can't leave her alone. We've talked it over, and found a small low-rent apartment close to the school. It's not much, but on our indefinite salaries it's enough.

Michiru's art and music will earn us a bit of money if she can keep up the concerts and the demand for the portraits, but she refuses to be rushed on the drawing she is working on that I modeled for. Rumors have begun to circulate around school about us living together, but we ignore them. It's our decision what to do with our lives, and we will not be swayed by those who whisper about us.

The boys from school talk about us, laughing and having their perverted fantasies, but we ignore their calls as we pass in the halls. I don't know how everyone found out about us -- maybe the principal blabbed, maybe our parents spread the news to make us social pariahs -- but one thing they can't change is Michiru's fame. Her musical and artistry skills can't be changed just because of the rumors circulating in the school hallways.

I've started shopping in a little shopping center near the apartment, where I get ingredients for each night's meal before I go home from school. Michiru takes a detour to a high-profile art gallery where she has taken a part-time job,, and by the time she gets home I already have dinner started. Since we've begun living together, my domestic skills have improved considerably out of necessity.

Tonight, I've decided on a simple meal of a salad and salmon. There is a special exhibit at the Mochi Gallery, where Michiru is working, and I plan on attending. A few of her recent works will be displayed to gauge the customer's reaction, and if she does well she'll receive a permanent place in the gallery's display. I don't expect to sway her bosses decision, but I do want to see my lover's works displayed so prominently and to see the crowds gazing at the art.

They won't know anything about who painted those beautiful works, but I know her intimately. It gives me a sense of pride, knowing the illusive Kaioh Michiru. There will be a poster up advertising her next concert, which is going to be the one that will determine if she'll be a success in the music business. If there isn't a good turn out at the concert, her career will be ended. This is the music hall's only generous offer to give Michiru a chance, knowing that she's lost her parents support.

It's not often that they'll give a young girl a chance like this, and I can only assume it's because of her parents influence. Tokyo wouldn't be the same without the Kaioh family, and everyone knows it. I wonder if the music hall isn't doing this just because they think Michiru can still get them donations from her parents?

Finishing my dinner, I head out of the apartment, on a course for the Mochi Gallery. Michiru's exhibit will be in the third row, second to the left. She's a little-known artist except in a few circles where her parents would promote their daughter's work. Hopefully this will give her a bit more exposure and she can sell her work without her parents help, or hawking it on a street corner, like I've worried about.

There are so few guaranteed things in life, and love is one of the lesser-found of the privileges that can make us truly happy with our lives. I've found a pleasing love within Michiru's arms, and I don't intend on giving it up for anyone, not even the government if they attempt to separate us. Could her parents be so cruel as to attempt such a thing? She is fearful of it, but I refuse to allow it.

Our love isn't something that can be tampered with. It is a living entity that will find a way to repair and defend itself. A ill-kept fantasy, maybe, but it is our love; the way we feel for each other. Her parents, my parents, have no say over that.

The brightly-lit hallways of the Mochi Gallery are open for visitors perusal, but I can't stop to admire any of the strategically placed art; I have to get to Michiru's exhibit. It's not one of the more famous names, but at least she is being featured. We hope that, even if she doesn't get any commissions or sales, she will at least get a bit of publicity for future galleries.

"Kaioh-san's work is widely featured among the gallery's newest acquisitions," a man, apparently one of Michiru's superiors, is saying to a group of sharp-dressed businessmen.

"They're almost all centered on sadness, or destruction. Is there a reason for this?" one of the men piped up.

"Not that we know of," the director said, shrugging in the well-known 'it's out of my hands' gesture. "Kaioh-san doesn't seem to be a particularly depressed individual, but one never knows. The whole 'tortured artist' angle, perhaps."

They don't know anything about Michiru, and I'm glad for it. The intimate details of her life are for me to enjoy; not others. Not even her parents can claim the knowledge that I have of Michiru's spirit, not that they deserve it anyway.

"Excuse me, Ten'oh-san... Aren't you Kaioh-san's roommate?"

I turn at the tentative voice, smiling tightly at the white foreigner who manages to horribly mangle the Japanese language she attempts to speak. "Who are you?"

"I am Ruth Iverson, from America. Michiru's parents," I notice that she quickly foregoes the use of honorifics to try to grasp the Japanese better without the formalities, "have sent me to take her to America to a place to help people like her."

My blood freezes in my veins at that. "People like her?"

The foreigner's eyes flicker slightly in embarrassment, and she shrugs. "Lesbians." I can hardly believe that this woman has tracked us here, after we've successfully broken ties with Michiru's parents. Do they hate her beliefs so much that they still attempt to send her away, after she's left their home?

"Michiru is of no consequence to you," I say tightly, barely restraining myself from hauling the woman out of the gallery and dealing with her. "She's left her parents home; she won't disgrace them any further."

Ruth's pale face screws up in concentration as she tries to follow my lightning-quick words. "Michiru is... needed in America. Her parents wish it--"

"They've cast her aside! The way I see it, they have no right to her life. She'll live where she is, and that's final."

Stalking away from the woman, I inch my way closer to Michiru's exhibit, waiting until the foreigner creeps away sulkily. I can't let her get to Michiru; she can't destroy our love. I feel something bubbling up inside me. Hate, jealousy, fear... I don't know, but it's swiftly taking control of me; taking away my conscious thought. Why do I feel so full of rage, so violent? I just have to stop this woman... Have to keep Michiru with me...

There is a red film covering my eyes, and I fall back against the wall, fists clenching and breathing heavily. I am angry; I must keep Michiru with me at all costs. But will I use violence to achieve this? "Haruka-san?"

It is a tentative voice, and as I look I see Etsuko, her usually smug face showing concern. "Etsuko-san... I am all right; don't worry about me."

My breathing is labored, and something is obviously wrong, but I attribute this to my fears of being separated from Michiru. Can I have a physical reaction to something like this? It seems so. I'm afraid for Michiru, for myself. If I let these feelings become too out of control, it could have an adverse effect on my Michiru.

"Haruka-san... Should I call for the paramedics?"

Ever helpful, Etsuko does not let go of her nurse-like mode. Cracking my eyes open, I give her my most menacing look I can manage with this desperate feeling upon me. "Etsuko-san, _please_!" I cry. "Just give me time to rest; it's only a bit of fatigue."

I'm lying, of course, but somehow I feel that if Etsuko knows that I'm battling some sort of demonic rage she'll call the cops -- or the mental institution. Am I a danger to those around me? No; just the ones who are trying to take Michiru away from me. Slowly, the red film around my vision fades, and I am able to straighten and push away from the wall.

Bowing politely at Etsuko, I grace her with a tight formal smile. "Thank you for your assistance, Etsuko-san, but I am well enough now. Are you here to see Michiru's exhibit?"

The girl blinks in surprise at my quick recovery, then shrugs. "I thought I'd check it out; see if she's any good at this painting thing."

I had never expected to see Etsuko at the art show; she doesn't seem like the kind of person to appreciate art or anything of the sort. Maybe she attended this art show to have a more well-rounded area of 'classical' conversation so that no one can accuse her of climbing out of the slums -- which is what she did. Etsuko's life at school is a lie; she isn't any better than I am, but she tries to pretend that she is.

Nodding good-bye, I walk away as she looks at me in shock. I can't deal with Etsuko; not right now. I have to locate Michiru and, for my sanity if nothing else, know that she is there for me. They can't take her away; they can't send her to America now that we've established ourselves and gotten a semi-good life.

"Haruka!" I hear her delighted voice as I near her exhibit, and I smile a bit weakly, still reeling from my earlier episode. "I didn't think you would make it. Come, you must see the painting that you posed for; everyone likes it best!"

As she catches my hand and drags me toward the painting, I see that everything is the way it was before. Michiru is beautiful; she is my life... And we are still together. My hand tightens around hers as I make a silent promise to myself and her that no one will take her away. Not to America, not back to her parents; she will remain with me. We've promised that to each other, and even if this was just a trial relationship, I want us to honor that heat-of-the-moment promise of forever.

In the end, the art show is a success. Michiru's paintings sold quickly, and the Mochi Gallery has commissioned a whole line of paintings from her. She'll be a permanent artist in the Mochi Gallery hall, and I couldn't be happier for her. Her work is truly beautiful, and her painting that I posed for sold at the highest bid, and there are even requests for copies. It's not because of the model; it's because of the passion she had while painting.

I can't shake the feeling that the foreign woman will try again. Michiru's parents won't give up so easily; they're hell-bent on getting their daughter away from such an impure influence. It's been a month since the art exhibit, and Mochi's tourism factor has gone way up thanks to Michiru's displays.

&&&&

However, I can't shake the fear that her parents will find a way to take her from me. Am I only being paranoid; wanting to keep this love we've found? Oddly enough, lately she's been keeping later hours at the gallery, and we haven't had much time to talk. Is this 'forever' love losing its luster? I don't want to think that I'm on the verge of losing her, but...

"I'm home!" Her joyful call is echoed through the room, and I look up from the noodles I'm cooking on the stove as she peers into the kitchen. "How was your day, Haruka?"

It is the usual before-dinner conversation, but somehow it feels wrong. Stilted, almost, as if we are bad actors reading from a script we're just learning. Almost methodically, I tell her about the mediocre events of my day. It isn't anything that I need to think about; it's the same boring days events that I've experienced lately.

Something has been putting a sparkle in Michiru's eye lately, and I'm not absolutely certain that its her painting. The Mochi Gallery is a prestigious place to have your art displayed, but she is far too happy over such a simple thing. To my mind, at least, and that is what counts to me. But would my goddess truly find someone else after the promises we've made?

Michiru is the one who helped me to find that I am not attracted to men. Before she came along, I didn't think of it one way or the other, but now I know the truth. My parents have disowned me for this truth, and Michiru's family wants to send her away, but these are all-consuming truths. Even if we aren't together, we'll still be attracted to the same sex. Is it so wrong, if it's what we feel?

There is a happy tone in her voice as she describes the latest painting she's started, gushing that Mochi has debuted some new raw talents, who she thinks can make it if they apply themselves to their art.

"You really love it, don't you?" My tone is wistful, and I wince at the way it sounds, but I can't change it.

Michiru gives me a surprised, blank look. "What?"

"The painting. Being part of Mochi. It's all your dream come true, isn't it? I-I'm not a part of that, Michiru." It's the truth, and she can't deny it, but I can see the sadness in her eyes. Did she not even realize--? "I can't participate in the world of art, and I can barely understand it. How do I fit into this dream of yours?"

There is a few moments of silence, and I can see her searching for words. There seems to be little to say, but I can't help but feel sorry for her at this moment. She wants so hard for us to stick together, but how can we, when she is so happy with something that I can't be a part of? I know Michiru wants someone who can understand her world of art, and that just isn't me.

Despite what's going on, I still love Michiru. We're drifting, even though it's been only a short time since we've gotten together. Is this how it ends; with life in this monotonous rut and our conversations cut short because we've run out of common ground? I suppose this is how married people who've lost those early feelings know that a separation is coming.

"So what if you don't like art?" she finally says. "I knew that since I met you, and the sketch that you posed for was the best painting I've ever done. I'm even backed up on the copies people want! How can you say that you aren't a part of my art, Haruka?"

I was the model for one picture -- that doesn't prove that I am an integral part of her art. In fact, she doesn't really need me at all. "I love you." Those are the words that pass from her lips now, and I smile gently and embrace her. It may not be forever, but her love is enough for today.

&&&&

The squeaking of the night shift nurse's shoes against the worn linoleum echo in my head until I can barely concentrate. I was asked to come into the hospital tonight for a physical, but it takes away my few precious hours with Michiru tonight. She was busy at Mochi today, and we don't even see each other at school.

Not that I'm at school much anymore... I know that everyone pushes the values of a good education, but I want to help Michiru more than anything else. And how can school help us? It can't. But the money I earn at my part-time job can help us more than anything I could learn from the dusty textbooks and the boring teachers.

The hallway is silent as I sit in a hard plastic chair. The doctor is going over the results of my blood test, and I wanted to get them before I left tonight. I know that being at the hospital so late isn't normal, but my doctor couldn't make time for me today any earlier.

"Ten'oh-san, the results of your blood test are conclusive with my earlier suspicions..."

The doctor's voice fades away as he tells me what he had suspected all along. The weakness I've been feeling in my legs, the dizziness, have nothing to do with stress or starting a new life. These are the problems I've been having lately, but I haven't told anyone. Michiru doesn't need to worry about me; she has enough problems getting her career at Mochi on the run.

Paralysis will slowly take over my body, and I won't be able to move. How can I subject Michiru to that sort of life; doing nothing but taking care of me? She'd hate it... She isn't cut out to take care of a person who will be dependant on her for everything. I don't want to make her suffer in that way.

My blank expression most likely frightens the doctor, because he shakes me lightly to make sure that I'm okay. "Thank you, doctor," is all I can say before I stumble out of the hospital, feeling dizzy and not quite sure of myself. This will put a whole new spin on my life with Michiru. Should I just ignore my fear that she's found someone else, and focus on my own selfish needs?

The physical problems I've been having, and will continue to have, will greatly affect my life in each separate aspect. Starting with my personal health and emotional state, and eventually I may lose Michiru all together. I can't reveal to her that I will be paralyzed; it would hurt her far too much. She is my friend, my lover, my heart; she doesn't deserve to be forced to stick around with me out of some misplaced sense of duty.

Sympathy would be too hard to handle from her, and I don't know if I could live with myself for tying her down to a person who can't even do the simplest things.

&&&&

"Yes, you'll take her away so that I can't hurt her anymore. Please. The two million yen have been transferred to your bank account, and it will be exchanged for American currency when you withdraw it in the States."

There's nothing else I can do. I can't believe that I am giving Michiru up; sending her away with the foreign woman, but... It's done; I've spoken with Ruth Iverson from America, who cornered me at the Mochi Gallery, and she has accepted my terms. She'll take Michiru away, the way her parents wanted, so that she won't have to see me deteriorate into something akin to a vegetable.

Such a beautiful, vibrant woman like Michiru deserves to live a full life, and she won't have that if she stays with me. I won't even be able to run anymore, to feel the freedom of escaping from harsh reality. If I can give Michiru a chance for freedom, then I will do it. Even if she hates me for it.

&&&&

It's been two years since I sent Michiru away, and I can still see the anger in her eyes, the confusion and hurt as Ruth Iverson took her away with my blessing. I've sunk to low depths, and I am in a home where the nurses take care of people like me. I can't move, but I can still think for myself. My words are slurred when I speak, but at least I still have my ability to think and to reason.

I always keep reliving the day when they took Michiru to America. I can only hope that she doesn't hate me too much. I'll always love her, and I sent her away for her own good. But I could never explain it to her, because I don't know if she would understand.

"Ten'oh-san, you have a visitor."

It is my mother. The same time, each Tuesday, she shows up like clockwork to tell me how disappointed she is in me. To tell me that I got what I deserved; that becoming a helpless vegetable was my punishment for loving a woman. My mother doesn't care that, in this condition, I have only my emotional wellbeing to be glad for, and she relishes in taking that away from me.

I can feel myself drifting, losing myself in the dreams of years past, when I was happy. I've heard that Michiru's paintings have found a permanent fan following in America, the same for her music. I've seen two of her concerts televised from America, but there is a sad tone to her music that wasn't there before. Have I done that to her?

"That girl," my mother is saying, "the one you ran off with. She's getting married next month."

"A man?"

"Of course!" My mother is giving me a shocked look as if to say 'what else?' It isn't that I'm not happy for Michiru, but I've always held on to the hope that she'll come to me and not care that I'm a vegetable. Now, I can see that it was only a childish fantasy.

Michiru is going to marry some man from America, some man who will share her life... "The marriage is to Izumi Kanaka," my mother continues. "Her parents have arranged it, and she does not seem to mind their interference in her life. Kaioh-san has accepted that there are just certain things a woman does in life. The most important is to marry well, and have children."

I want to yell at her, to tell her to shut up, but I can't find the words. Maybe she's right. Michiru is probably better off with some man... Without me. I will always love her, but I won't make her face the tragedy that is my life. I'm a vegetable, not fit to be loved by anyone.

&&&&

Today is Michiru's wedding day. I've remembered the date so easily, partly because I wanted to know when my happiness would be gone forever, and partly because my mother keeps gloating about it. In an hour, she'll be Izumi Michiru, no longer the woman I fell in love with. I wonder if she even thinks of me; still cares about me?

I always knew that this paralysis wouldn't give me long to live, and I can feel my spirit slipping away as the clock ticks down the minutes. I will be gone soon, but even as my spirit soars to the sky, I won't forget Michiru. I will watch over her, being the proverbial guardian angel, if I cannot be with her in life.

&&&&

**End Author's Notes**: I know that it was amazingly sad, and maybe I shouldn't have made it all a one chapter story, but I just started writing and I couldn't stop until I was finished. It's a very sad story, and at first it started out as a romance AR-ish between Haruka and Michiru, but it eventually progressed into this.

How was it? I'd like comments, but not any of the "how could you let Haruka die?" or the "how could you let Michiru marry a man?" Keep in mind that this is only Haruka's side of the story, and we have no way of knowing what happened with Michiru after Haruka sent her away. Haruka's mother could have been lying about the marriage.

And, no, I most likely won't be doing Michiru's side of the story. I'll let you all use your imaginations for what really happened to Michiru. I hope you've enjoyed, despite the sadness at the end.


End file.
